my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
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WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan