You Might Also Like
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Facebook memories be like
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.