I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
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Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.