Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
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[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
March 16
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.