What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
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hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Just me and my debit card against the world
I am, perchance
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I missed you with all my darts