Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

cause of death:
autopsy.

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.