You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
“How’s your day going?”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.