Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter