My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
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Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?