You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Grandmother clock.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist