If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
The news
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.