My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
This is a sub tweet
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.