who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
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It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Had an epiphany today.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen