Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
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[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.