No, YOUR illiterate.
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Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.