My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
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What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year