Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
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Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I occasionally drink every single night.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”