The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
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So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.