Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
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14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die