Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
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i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Google assistant rules
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule