“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
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I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?