The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
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Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.