Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
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Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.