Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
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Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Hmmmmm
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover