Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
How times have changed.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
seems fine
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!