Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.