too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.