Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
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The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.