I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
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My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Cheer up.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.