One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
favorite tropes as memes
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …