ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
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WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.