Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
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This is true.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Mistakes were made
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.