Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Siri: Retweet me.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.