Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
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11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
they split up moments later
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.