My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
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Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
next level snooze
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Cndnsd Mlk
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?