what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh