I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
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I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers