Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
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if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I’m awake but I object,
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Happy thanksgiving!
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.