just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
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Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Sticker placement is key.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”