Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Oh my God.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.