Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Haha! 😂
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
plant them where lol
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.