“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
You Might Also Like
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Worst Native American name ever.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.