god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
You Might Also Like
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
me, too, girl. me, too.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I only treason on days ending in y
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?