When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Interior design 👌
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.