(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
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Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I only say stupid things when I talk.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.