(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
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I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
you’re so productive for your wage
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?