Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen