“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
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[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”