That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
This is my emotional support knife.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something