Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
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I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.